The same way there are things that, once they break, can never be put back together -my heart, for example-; there are also things that unexplicably break to make way to something more meaningful. An eggshell breaks to bring life, as a conversation gives birth to an unexpected -yet virtuous- perception change. A deeper understanding, a more complex connection.
Coffee and a walk. In a span of an hour, T went from “That married girl I’m fucking” to “Oh, shit, this ain’t gonna end well.” All it took was a shy kiss outside the coffee shop when we met, an interesting conversation in the park and a goodbye kiss outside her building. The good sex from before also helped, of course.
“You can ask me whatever you want,” she said, coffee in hand.
“Thursday was weird,” I said. “It was too quiet. I could see that there was something on your mind, but you wouldn’t tell me what.”
She looked away for a while. We walked in silence in the park/cemetery, nearby Hans Christian Andersen’s grave. “There are many things in my head right now. Too many questions. ‘What do I want to do with my life? Who am I and what’s the point?’” she finally said.
“Tell me about it!” I replied with a smile. And she did tell me about it, although I haven’t said that with that purpose.
I know I’m setting myself for disaster. Has been a conscious -and unconscious- choice since the day I approached a tiny Norwegian girl in a bar in Santiago and started flirting with her. The difference was that, back then, I didn’t see nor felt the fire until I had been burned to the ground. Now I can clearly see it, hot and bright, right in front of me. As I walk towards it, ready to get burned again.
Coffee is dangerous. Or I’m a danger to myself. Or women are a danger to me. I’m working hard to figure it out. Caffeine running wild in my bloodstream.