A different start

I’m pretty damn obvious, usually. If you’ve read my writing a few times, you probably already realized I go over the same topics over and over again. Maybe it’s a different girl or situation, but it’s all very repetitive: fucking, drinking, my ex, my never-ending pain, my broken heart, some existential crisis, the anniversary of something important to me, and a whole lot of blah. I think that’s my blog, in a nutshell. So I decided to give it a little tweak, a new approach.

I wrote to most of my 2016’s lovers yesterday. A sudden reflexive rush of melancholy took over me, and I played along, following this urge of reaching out to them. My obsession with the past knows no boundaries and lacks dignity and common sense, as you can see. Luckily, just one of them replied. She was happy to hear from me, and she told me she has a boyfriend now. Good for her. I was genuinely glad things turned out okay in her life.

Despite my anxiety and unexistent faith, I managed to keep my drinking away until midnight. Then, I had just a couple of champagne glasses, chilled and headed home. Slept alright, considering my motherfucking neighbors were playing loud dance music and having a hell of a party next door. In the end, I survived New Year’s Eve, smooth as a silk turd. Feeling quite proud, and not hungover at all. Yay me!

Can’t help but wonder if I will be able to have the same control I had over booze when it comes to sex. I decided to stop my whole fucking around pandering, in the hopes of regaining my lost sense of identity. Perhaps, without the sweaty and wet warmth of naked bodies distracting me, I will be able to finally close the door to my past and focus on reconnecting with myself. Eduardo’s sexy fingers crossed.

If we are being honest, nothing really changes from one year to the other. People, places and our routines are the same. But, of course, it is quite convenient to believe otherwise. To put great expectations in the new year, as if this is a guarantee of success. It isn’t. Yet, I won’t fight this optimistic feeling for 2017. There’s nothing wrong with having a little hope, once in a while.

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