I donated sperm in a fertility clinic a few days ago. And, let me tell you: there is a certain sense of satisfaction, or empowerment even, when you get an email from them saying that your sample is “okay.” And when you write them back asking “okay how?”, and they respond “better than normal,” you feel in the top of the world. Because, for once in your life, you know that you are better than normal at something. And that something is -or could be- your gift. You are a gifted man! “Gifted with what?” you might ask. “With fucking. I was born to fuck,” I would say. Is that true? I haven’t got -that many- complaints.
The last few years have been tough. The last eight months have been a pain in the ass. So Life is, in a way, giving me a little break. “Ah, let him have that,” Life said. Now I have at least one thing to feel good about, and to get the idea that I might have a purpose after all. That I was granted a talent that not every man has. Even after a long period of insomnia, alcohol, irregular exercise and a could-be-much-better diet. Even at 33. Even having a fucked up testicular condition for the last 20 years. Even after all of that, my cum is like high quality cocaine. White and pure. And it can get you knocked up in the blink of an eye. Well, maybe not cocaine. That would be just my cum.
Today I had my third therapy session. I’m pretty sure that my psychologist was wearing the exact same shirt he wore the first two times. And the same smile. And a very similar nodding after every sentence that came out of my mouth. But he, again, was spot on in his comments. “Don’t look for a purpose;” he said, “look for your lighthouse.” “My lighthouse?” I asked. “Yes. Make your values the light that guides your life. Because you will get lost at times, but your values are always going to tell you whether the things you are doing are going in the right direction or not. Always follow the light.” A clever advice. I mean, unless you get hit by a car. Then don’t follow the light. Unless you wanna die.
I don’t know if becoming a sperm donor will change anything in me. My personality will be the same, my insecurities as well; and my demons will keep watching me from the darkness of my mind. But it is fascinating, and somehow relieving, feeling that a part of my could serve a higher purpose: bring life into this world. Maybe that’s a part of my light. And, between you and me, getting paid for doing two of my favorite activities, watching porn and jerking off, sounds like quite a treat.