I don’t need you

I’ve had a terrible love life. Mistake after mistake, disappointment and abandonment, pity and guilt. Been there, done that, and it was shit. So I constantly asked myself what I was doing wrong, or why girls couldn’t appreciate me. I mean, c’mon, I was cool! Or was I?

Nevertheless, as usual, my questions never got answered by the girls that dumped me, rejected me or treated me like dog shit on the sole of their shoes. Frustrated as I was, I started blaming all on them. It was easy, and it came easier when I turned up the volume of my music player and sang along one of the most misogynist songs I’ve heard: I don’t need you, by Die Antwoord.

[youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7NyL4IW6DRg]

Practically vomiting this abominable lyrics, I released my grim thoughts and my hate towards those hurtful ladies. Over and over again, I unleashed the darkest part of myself to the beat of that song, until one day I got it. It wasn’t them who I was shouting to. It was myself.

I was a mess. Didn’t know what I wanted for my life, didn’t like my work and I was basically living just to keep breathing, with no purpose whatsoever. How, under these conditions, could I love or be loved? I only could aspire to have mediocre relationships or meaningless affairs, all of which ended badly because I was needy and looking to find completion to my own self with my partner.

Truth is I, and actually nobody, can be completed nor fulfilled by someone else. Love is not a magical thing that will immediately fix all your flaws and transform you into a perfect person, making your problems disappear at the same time. You are responsible for this, not love, not your partner. Once you realize that and start improving yourself just because it’s yourself you’ll be helping, you will be able to find true love. Because love is a decision, not a necessity. I am happy with myself and I choose to share this happiness with somebody else, someone I can tell “I don’t need you” and mean it. Because I’ll be with her not because I need her, but because I want to.

“I don’t need you; I want you.”

Can you say that to the one you love? If you do, you are in the clear. If not… well, check yourself. Nobody likes needy.


  1. Interesting to read an article about relationship experiences by a man. Your article is really good and I totally agree with what you say about having to not need someone but want them :) You are obviously a very emotional intelligent man. Thank you for sharing it

    1. Hey, Ragnheidur! Thanks for your feedback, I really appreciate it.

      This month I’m starting to work on a book based on my columns and my life. In the meantime, comments like yours inspire me to keep on writing and sharing my thoughts and feelings with the world. I hope that this helps anyone, anyhow.

  2. Great article! It’s very refreshing to see a man’s self reflection, and I totally agree with you, we need to love ourselves first before loving someone first and accepting the love. Nobody else can complete me but myself. I believe your true love with find you some day when you least expect it :)

    1. Thanks, Jasmine!
      True love, as you call it, is always awaiting for you. When you find it, you’ll know it. Better do your best to nurture and respect it, as it will deliver happiness and rest to your life’s journey.

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