Blah 10: The visitors

“I have to go to the gym,” I say, suddenly standing up from my chair. “This late?” my friend asks. “I’m still in time to pick up my daily free protein shake,” I reply. Not an absolute lie, but a lie, anyway. I have to get the fuck out of there, can’t stand it anymore. He and his girlfriend, visiting from Germany. Being just too fucking perfect together. A whole bloody day of that, it’s simply too much to handle. Specially now.

Anna. Can’t stop thinking about her, as I wander the street in the night, blinded by sadness. I ignore girls passing by. I ignore everyone. None of them matters. I’m completely alone in the gym. As alone as I now feel in the world. I get the fucking protein shake. Walk back home. Take a deep breath before opening the door. The visitors have gone to bed. I sigh in relief. I can cry in my room now.

What ifs and questions are all I have, all I’ve been left with. “Who are you, Anna? Why didn’t you let me in? What if you did? What if we tried?” It’s hard to let go, to give up the wondering. I opened up to her. As much as I could, under the circumstances. “What if she did the same? What if she opened up too?”

My skin hurts. I spent hours walking in the city under the burning sun, showing my friends around. Two of those hours only in Christiania, with the secret hope of seeing Anna again. Maybe for one last, awkward encounter. For one last goodbye. “What a loser move,” you’ll say. I would agree. It was a fucking loser move. But a move, nonetheless.

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