Trauma

How can you explain to your new romantic interest that you are broken inside? I mean, what’s the best way to say it so she doesn’t freak the fuck out and dump your sorry ass in the blink of an eye? If you have a tip, please let me know now, because I don’t have a clue. “I’m sorry to put all this pressure on you. I just need to know that we are on the same page… My ex cheated on me while she was traveling. I’m a bit traumatized ever since.” That’s all I could come up with.

I thought that fucking around was gonna shield me against insecurity. It did not. My trauma kicked in a few days after Anna left for Israel. Angst and anxiety slowly built up in me, as a hurricane of self-destructiveness and doubts. “Should I just go out and fuck someone? She’s probably gonna do the same, anyway,” I thought. Well done, Eduardo. Real mature of you. Your mum must be proud.

I miss the days where my ex was “the villain.” It was easier to be the victim. But I soon took over that role and shit turned sour quickly. I was much better at being “the bad guy.” Much nastier. Much more… horrible. I was a fucking monster. A psychopath. A master in the subtle art of passive-aggressiveness. Fuck, who was that guy? Can’t recognize myself in him anymore. Thank God.

If we compared the scars that our relationship left in us, my ex probably has a shitload more than me. I was a major douchebag to her and I regret every bit of it. But the one wound she caused me, that injury never healed. I thought it did, but it clearly didn’t. It still hurts. And the fear, that fucking crippling fear, never left me. The ghost of abandonment, of betrayal. Scarier that clowns, spiders, heights and all those irrational phobias people have.

Whatever we experience in our past will condition our present and determine our future. It’s challenging to overcome our traumas and to move on, becoming better and stronger versions of ourselves. That’s why I’m glad that Anna’s showing a great understanding of my situation. “I like that you are very straightforward about it,” she said; “Don’t worry, we are on the same page.” What a relief that was. My good luck continues.

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