My breath smells like shit when I wake up in the morning and it won’t get much better during the day, no matter how many times I brush my teeth -which, of course, are yellow and a crooked. My feet are horrible with my white toenails and countless hair and veins all over them, plus two ridiculous scars on the left one, product of a nasty fracture. And am I skinny, Lord! Have the body of a 13-year-old with chest hair and a couple of tattoos. Oh, and a hipster wannabe beard, topped with a huge nose next to a couple of jumbo ears.

I sometimes stutter when I talk; my mind goes faster than my mouth and it’s really hard to keep up. Because I think all sort of things, all day long and even at nights, to the point I have problems falling asleep and staying like that for over 6 hours a day. I think that’s why I like writing. Gets my mind out of all the other deeper or shallow thoughts and focuses it in one thing at a time, word by word, one sentence after the other. This doesn’t mean I’m good at it, or if I am I couldn’t know. I’m a perfectionist freak and never think the result of my creation it’s a right fit to what I wanted to express. I’m a bitch to myself.

English is not my first language, and it’s very easy to tell by listening to me talk. When I’m not struggling to find the right word -my vocabulary is not as extensive as I’d like-, my Latino accent or my nervous stuttering get in the way, making me curse to get by. Despite that, I got the nerve not only to write in this language, but also to advice about love, sex, relationships and life in general in my stories. Even worse: I dare to publish them!

I do not base my columns in other authors or studies. I share my own experience and biased point of view, decorated with a few nice words and patronizing tone. The truth is that, although I am constantly preaching about how honesty is the way to go, I don’t always follow it. I try my best to keep on the right path, but I have lied and cheated as well. And I have made mistakes. No, more than mistakes, I’ve fucked up. Friends, family and relationships, I fucked it up with all of them and with myself.

“Do what you feel like when you feel like it.” That’s my motto. I have fallen so many times sticking to it that got used to the floor. Still, for some reason, I keep getting back on my abominable feet over and over again, just to fall anew. And I use it as inspiration to write. Wonderful, ain’t it?

So there you have it, my friend. If you ever happen to read any of my self help intended columns, I hope you get to read this first. I’m human, just like you. Don’t take anything I say for granted, unless it makes sense to you. If it does and actually helps you somehow, I’d love to have some positive feedback from you. On the other hand, if you hate it and have the uncontrollable urge to give me some insulting shit, please make it witty and funny. I always enjoy a good laugh.

PS: and in case you haven’t realized so far, I don’t actually consider you my friend. I don’t even know you! But don’t worry, it’s okay. Would you wanna be friends with such an imperfect character as me?