Reflexión

I go into my 00-TEXTOS folder and open blog-reflexiones-2022.doc. Can’t believe I have one of these for each year since 2016, filled to the brim with mistakes. Sure, it makes it great for a fun reading experience, I give you that. But one would expect me to have got it right by now. But no. New year, new fuck-ups. Luckily (or circumstantially,) I hit the lowest of the lows last year so badly, that I’m on my way to a spectacular comeback. An existential rebound for the ages, I tell you!
If it weren’t for my blackout drunk harmless, yet annoying flirtation, I’d still have a job by now. HR had already talked to me and, though people found me obnoxious on Friday bars, they praised my impeccable performance at work otherwise. Even got extra points for never being “harassy” or creepy; they even highlighted how, after our talk, nobody had complained since. I take that as a win, fellas. But yeah, I was so fucking demotivated and bored in that position that, frankly, I didn’t mind all that much to have been kicked out of it. Still hurts, to have been treated like a rabid dog over this out of character mishap. And still has made me go deep in my thoughts; self-reflecting about what went wrong and how I can make sure nothing alike happens again.
Maybe I’ve been always put in this box of lacking. “Lacks personality.” “Lacks talent.” “Lacks attractiveness.” “He’s not good enough. Insufficient. Lackluster.” From my parents to my peers at school. From my first boss at my very first job, until my last failed relationship. And this makes me wonder, is it me? If so, what can I change? I had to give up my life back in Chile for my parents to finally take me seriously. I had to breakup from every relationship I had to be respected the way I wanted, or needed to. And subconsciously self-sabotaged my last job, just to go on to something much better. But I have this feeling of shame and disgust with myself for that. For all of these actions that caused heartbreaking reactions, and aftermaths I still can’t seem to recover from.
I’m glad these profound thoughts come one day before my therapy session. So much shit to unpack, man. But I know it’ll all be okay, soon. 2022 has come and a wave of positive changes are coming, I can feel it! A new job, a new novel and, who knows, maybe even a new girlfriend. Perhaps it’s almost no coincidence how everything ended so drastically at the end of last year. Away with the old, to make room for the new. One can only hope. And do things right, this time around. Then there shouldn’t be so much cringe in the upcoming blog-reflexiones-2023.doc file, don’t you think?

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