She knows I know she knows. Yet she keeps doing it. Visiting my blog in her fancy new Samsung SM-A426B Galaxy A42 5G phone. According to Google, from Copenhagen, yesterday. Although location in Analytics is sometimes a very broad approximation. But I know she’s still around, watching me. And she knows I know. And, of course, C knows I know she knows.
This detox period is weird. A year down the line and still can’t sleep well. Constant nightmares of being back in Chile and unable to come back to Denmark. Fights with my family, specially with my brother. In some dreams, she and I meet. We talk. We hug. Everything is okay now. We kiss and have sex in some foggy, strange imagery. Then I wake up for the tenth time in the night and she’s not there anymore. One hand reaching the cold side of my new, bigger mattress. The other, tucking my dreamy hard-on. Frustration setting in. And more fantastic or stressful dreams to come, before the day begins again.
The kid turned up to be just a one night stand. Then another, older woman came for an evening of Chilean tasting: red wine, music and me. And alone I was again at midnight, rolling from one side to the other in my 160×200 centimeters bed. “Is this it?” I went in my head. “Am I doing this whole ‘Latinlover’ bullshit again?” I held my pillow on my ex’s side of the bed and took a deep whiff, as if trying to force her smell from a year in the past.
I slept. Badly. Once more.
“Before we finish, I have one last question,” I say.
“What is it?” my therapist asks.
“I have this thing… This fear. I keep expecting her to come visit, unexpectedly. Sometimes I hear a knock on my door, or the bell ringing. Even a ding from my phone startles me.”
“What are you afraid of?”
“I’m afraid that, if she does show up, I won’t be able to resist.”
My therapist smiles and says “Then fuck her.”
“Really!? Are you sure? Wouldn’t that set me back?” I ask, quite surprised by her answer.
“No. As long as you don’t take it for more than it is. Just don’t get back together. That’s all.”
“And what about all this new sexual energy this kid triggered in me? How do I deal with this, in a healthy way?”
“It’s summer! Go out and fuck around! You’ve earned it.”
Gotta follow my doctor’s orders, no?