PTSD

Haven’t been to the office in two weeks. Been spending most of the time locked in my apartment, safe from the world, from my pain. Still managed to go to my therapist today and she stirred all these fucked up memories, to pin down why I’m struggling so much with this physical disturbance. It’s not the ankle. Or not just the ankle. It’s a life of abuse. I’m emotionally broken as a result of decades of chronic neglect and destructive criticism. “You are so selfish,” my mum always said. So I became selfless, to prove a goddamn point. To show her she was wrong. But I wronged myself instead, diminishing my power over my own life.
Unintentionally self-sabotaging, I removed myself from the spotlight to focus on those around me. Becoming irresponsibly careless of my basic needs, I opened the gates for floods of circumstantial abusers to take advantage of me. A few of them did it knowingly, but most were just too focused on themselves to even notice.
I learned to feel more comfortable serving others than looking after myself. But this servitude was harmful, as so it was to put myself aside to fulfill these people’s needs at the cost of mine. And this harm became a habit, a sick one. It was damaging, but it didn’t feel too bad, because it was not self-inflicted. It came from the outside. From other’s hands, out of my control. Easier to ignore, to justify and to forgive. But there’s only so much the mind can take. So, in a way, this injury was my savior. This pain, a light. This therapy, the end of a tunnel I didn’t know I was transiting.
Can’t lie here: this shit is hard. Aloneness hurts, but I’m trying to take it as growing pains. Acknowledging my own importance and my vulnerability. Keen to my need of assistance, of being -for once- the one to be rescued, and nobody’s hero. Maybe this is a blessing in disguise. Even if I wanted, I’m hindered from going back to my toxic coping mechanisms. Can’t fuck around nor drink my ass off to inoculate myself from the heartbreak of the relationship I left, nor I can walk away to escape from this angst I’m so much in need to deal with, to finally overcome.
Trauma has many faces. You must stare down at them until it’s so awkward for everyone involved that they’ll leave you the fuck alone.

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