Gear

I’m still weeping after crying to every page of an Eventyr Sport catalog. The sight of hiking gear reminded me of the woman I lost, of this fucking love that won’t go the fuck away. There’s truly no winning in this, is there? If my rage and resentment towards her leaves, she leaves. If the anger remains, she leaves too. There’s no scenario where we end happy together. Yet we keep crashing into each other. And it’s messy. We fuck, we fight, we take a distance and head back into our trenches, until we do it, all over, once more. But, can we have it any other way? Will we ever have breakfast together without feeling like shit? Will we ever go for a hike again? Ah, fuck, here come the tears.
I’m so afraid of getting hurt again. Of perpetuating the suffering of the breakup and the leftover pain from the toxic relationship we had. Then, just a look into her smiling eyes and I’m in love again. Or is this just holding on to the greatness among the bad, to the intermittent light at the end of the tunnel? Is there a light at all, or is it just an illusion?

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