Why me?

There comes a time when you just say “this is it.” You break up with your girlfriend or boyfriend, quit your job, stop smoking or decide to leave behind your unhealthy habits and start working out. Yeah, I’ve been in most of those scenarios. But this one time, the “this is it” came together with an “I’m fucked.” That was a life changing event.

I’m not gonna tell the whole “I died in San Pedro” story all over again. I’ve been through that too many times already. Just wanna quote myself on that horrid hour, that very same moment when I saw myself in the middle of the desert, half way down a hill, with a broken foot and a merciless sun burning my skin. Right then, when I thought “This is it… I’m fucked.” Exactly that time when I said “I don’t regret anything”, seeing my life coming to an end.

But I did regret stuff. Many things, actually. Looking back at my life, there were still a number of things I wanted to change. How low was my self-esteem at that moment that I thought there was nothing to regret? Did I really feel I had had a life well lived, up to that point in which I was uncertain about my survival? Fuck, no! And that revelation hit me so soon and strong after I had said that last sentence, that I said out loud “This fucking desert is not going to kill me.” And it didn’t.

Ever since the accident I tried to find a reason for what happened. Why didn’t I die? Sure, I held to the hill as I was sliding down like if my life depended on it. I didn’t roll down and broke my neck thanks to that. And I could hold on for three hours without passing out under the afternoon sun while the rescue team struggled to find me. So I think what I really was asking away wasn’t “why”. It was “what for.”

This all leads us to the present. I believe I’ve been given the gift of life with a purpose. This purpose, I think, is to help others to improve their lives as much as they can. That’s why I try to do this, when in person, through long profound conversations; or, from my not very comfy chair in Santiago de Chile, through my blog.

But why, you may ask; why me? Why is it me, among all people, the one who can or will help you? Why me?

Because I’m human. And one of the features that defines best a human being is imperfection. I’m very good at that. I have so many flaws that I could write a book about them.

Even though I have always the best intentions, I keep on failing from time to time to do things right. I talk about honesty and how important it is, but I lie every now and then. And I fuck up. God, how I have fucked up! And keep doing it.

I have been bullied and I’ve done some bullying myself. My parents are divorced, yet I do believe in marriage… but not that much. I know I should work out more and eat healthier, but can’t stop devouring junk food and sitting my ass in front of the TV most of the time. I have cheated and been cheated at. I’ve been mean and way too nice, strong and weak, brave and a pussy. I curse a lot and laugh at the most stupid shit. I consider myself a feminist, yet I am a sexist pig sometimes. I had one long and frustrating relationship and a very intense one that’s been both a blessing and a pain in the ass. And the list goes on.

But, at the end of the day, I always try to be a better person. I am very self aware, and slowly but surely I can see how I am evolving to self realization. I can easily compare this version of myself with the one of one, two or three years ago, and I can see all those positive changes taking form in me. And if I, a direct descendant of a long family line of wife beaters and alcoholics, have never EVER been violent towards a woman nor have had drinking problems; if I, a nerdy bullied shy boy could become a womanizer -for a while-; if I, coming from a poor and non educated family, could manage to learn English all by myself, decently enough to write these lines… I mean, do you need any more examples of how anyone can improve themselves?

Yes, I am far from perfect, but I am here to help. Of all the shit I’ve been though I have come out stronger and wiser. I can say “been there, done that” about many things, so -perhaps- I can be of use to you, don’t you think?

So, what are you waiting for? Why not give it a try? What do you have to lose? Help me help you.

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