Looking for happiness

Sometimes I feel like a coughing smoker. I know, consciously or subconsciously, that I’m fucking myself up by thinking negative shit, as if those thoughts were the dark smoke of a cigar burning down my throat and blackening my lunges.

Whether is nicotine addiction or the tendency of looking into the bad moments of the past, people often find themselves trapped in toxic habits and trains of thought. I am one of those people.

Why is it so hard to look for happiness instead? There’s something called “negativity bias” (some more information can be found here and here), which is a concept that basically explains that we, humans, are wired in a way that makes negative memories be more important than positive ones. This horrible condition makes us be natural born pessimists. But just accepting this is the easy way out.

I am weak, I can acknowledge that; and I’m terrified of being happy, because in my personal history almost every happy moment -not that I’ve had lots of those- has ended up roughly. Being in a plain state of “okay” is more my thing. I can take okay. It’s better than kinda like shit, and miles away from please God let’s just get over with this shit, KILL ME NOW!

Now, against what I am comfortable with and used to, am taking a new approach to life. A happy approach. Conditions are good: I’m engaged to the woman I love, which is great; money is alright, my family is not as nagging as usual and I’m getting along with my friends. Writing is fine -right?!- and stuff in general has a nice outlook.

Can’t say I am doing amazing in this new self-improvement journey. Demons from the past come haunt me more than I can be okay with, and sometimes shit gets hard to handle. Though switching my mind to “Happy Land” mode it’s been getting a lot easier by remembering that I’m the master of my day to day life. If I choose to stay in the sadness and resentment, I can do it, no problem. Do I want that? Fuck, no! Then I force myself into looking the bright side of things, the better future and not the fucked up past. And it works. Most of the times.

Lighting up a cigarette after the other and coughing with every puff will kill you, just like bad thoughts will kill your happiness. Quit smoking away your bliss. Now.

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