I bought a Macbook. I don’t know, I think I just wanted to be like the writers you see on tv and movies. So this is, officially, the first thing I have ever written on a Mac. If it’s shit, you know why. If it’s great -although unlikely-, you also know why: I’m a talented motherfucker.
It’s been a tough week. Challenging, anxious, insomniac, yet with a -surprisingly- silver lining. I dug myself in a deep and dark hole, really hard to climb out of. Anna, my ex, and former lovers in general; they were all shouting at me from hidden corners in my mind. And in the echoing noises of the past, I disregarded the present, suffocated by memories and regret.
It sounds hopeless, no? And it felt like that, too. But amidst desperation, there was a light. Master of None, a Netflix series by Aziz Ansari, triggered some important existential questions in me, and those questions brought answers. Clarity. Fucking finally.
I’m just not ready to be with someone. Not emotionally, not mentally, not sexually; I’m just not. Maybe that’s why my mum gave up on me. “I know you’ll never give me grandchildren,” she told me, a while ago. Well, fuck, mum. Sorry to disappoint you. I’m not “Eduardo, Mr Family Man;” that’s just not me. Not now, and maybe not ever. Does it depend on me finding “the right person”? Perhaps. Am I a horrible human being? Not very unlikely.
I know I’m a disappointment for many people, but I have my own disappointments too. Lovers who go full silent, but never really go away. Take Anna, for example. She reads my blog almost every day, yet she doesn’t text nor call me. What’s up with that? And my ex, L, does the same. What for? I don’t get it. Do you wanna hang out? Then reach out! Do you not wanna be with me ever again? Then cut the shit and stop the stalking. Move on with your life. It’s okay, I understand.
As you can see, I have baggage. And a motherfucking Mackbook Pro. Suck on that, people who looked down on me at Starbucks and other hipster cafes. Suck on that real good. Literally, if possible. I’ve been very horny lately.