We stopped at a traffic light, after a couple of blocks of biking in silence. “I have to turn right,” said Anna. My place was to the left. The light turned green before I could figure out what to say or do. I froze. “Have a good time,” said Anna, then. And that was the end of it. I saw her disappear in the distance, as I rode my bike the other way. Not knowing what to feel. Still confused, yet somewhat relieved. And somewhat sad.
It was no surprise. Sooner or later, it was gonna happen. The age gap didn’t play a big role in it, as I expected. There was a bigger gap between us that we could never fill. We simply wouldn’t connect in a deeper level. We played it safe, always keeping our distance. Precaution, fear, whatever the fuck it was; it doomed us.
Our inability or unwillingness to show our true colors, our true selves, didn’t allow us to move forward. I think we both felt it, but wouldn’t want to scare each other away by telling. And here we are now. Me, crying in front of the screen, thinking about the toothbrush in my bathroom she will never use again. Thinking about her absence. Indefinite, crushing absence.
Words don’t come easy now. I’m tired, emotionally drained. Slightly drunk and high, missing her already. I knew there was no future for us. But it doesn’t matter. Knowing there’s no future doesn’t make it any easier to come to an end. Another cold, fucking ending. How I hate those.