Re/Start 58

Five days ago.

“You inspired me, M.”
M laughs. She has laughed a lot since she arrived to the coffee shop. “Inspired you how?” she asks, sipping on her cortado.
“You are so in control of your life now,” I say. “No more drinking, no more smoking… no more sex.” I stop and see her blushing. We both smile. “So, I decided to quit sex too. I am tired of constantly looking to get some and of all the fucking frustration. I’m done. I won’t invest any more time or energy in that shit.”

Monday morning. Next day.

“Sorry for the unsolicited kiss. I didn’t quite understand the circumstances. It won’t happen again,” I write her on Whatsapp.
“Well you are a guy, sometimes you have to get things told a thousand times before you understand it. No worries, I’m sorry if I’ve made you confused. I thought you got it since I told you,” M responds. I feel crappy for being friendzoned.

Jump backwards to Thursday last week. Islands Brygge. Germany playing versus France on a huge screen in the park. Surrounded by Germans.

“I am done with sex,” I say to my friend. She looks at me with disbelief.
“So what, no more Tinder?” she asks.
“Not the first time I hear that,” she says.
“This time is for real.”
“I bet you won’t even last two weeks.”
“You are gonna lose,” I say. Very cocky.

Jump forward to a few hours ago.

“I won!” my friend writes.
“Technically, you haven’t. I just opened Tinder. I didn’t swipe.”
“Still counts!”

Go back one day.

“This is a safe place,”I tell H. “You can cry all you want.”
“I’m sorry,” she sobs. “There are too many things in my head right now.” She puts her head on my hairy chest and cries in silence. I hug her, feeling awkward about the whole situation. We were not supposed to fuck again, and here we are. Naked and emotional.

Some hours after that. A bar downtown.

“I think you really like this girl,” the tipsy Hungarian girl says, with conviction.
“I think you are right,” I say. I’m tipsy too, talking to a complete stranger.
“Just give her some time. It’ll work out.”
“I hope so,” I say, realizing that I won’t get to fuck this girl. Also realizing that I’m not very comfortable in the friendzone. And, as well, realizing that I miserably failed in my decision of staying away from sex. So I drink. Fuck it.

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